3:57 in the afternoon; a long break from studying medical concepts
Late last night, while reading some old notes, I started thinking about all the “what ifs” again. I started forming problems for the future. And I had a greater percentage of being down in the dump than being on top while I was imagining all these things. I didn’t get into the local high school for science whiz kids and that became the drastic turning point in my life. I get paranoid about failing exams. I was lucky I made it to a top university in college. This seems life a self-pitying blog but I guess I need to get it out of my system before I just suddenly break down and wind up lost in all of my frustrations. When I got in to college among really smart kids, I realized I was not up for the competition. Everything was so different from my old school. Everyone knew how to play the game and if I lose sight, I might fall out it. My goal was to graduate and I did everything that was right and crooked. Everybody did it to survive so I joined in and became a crook. My goal to graduate was not enough when we were about to take the Board Exams. I was so afraid I would fail the Board Exams that I grew pathetic and paranoid. When luckily I passed, I was so happy I thought it would be the end of my struggles. I forgot about the need for a job and the wider competition outside of the tiny fishpond in school. And now, rusty from all the lessons and theories, I am trying to fit it all back again. I am so scared. And I am so desperate. I’m 22 years old. I have finished my bachelor’s degree. I have received my professional license. But I still lack confidence and I still feel incompetent. I have supposedly gained my independence yet I still feel trap. I expected so much from life, that everything would go right. And that, I think, is where my frustrations have all started.