Somewhere in there is a reflection of me feeling beyond anxious in going to work. Breeeaaaathe.
Before I started my bath today, I sat on the first step of the stairs and leaned against the wall to the bathroom. I stared at the wall directly in front of me. It was a half-finished white wall. And I was closely aware that I was alone inside the house. And I just felt too vulnerable. And I wondered: How did I get to this? Going to work I realize too late that I do not even want? Will I ever learn to adjust…to life?
I absconded from work today. It’s the day for changing linens and I’m not sure i could face the challenges of working now or ever. Sigh. I feel guilty knowing that’s there is lesser manpower because of my absence. I feel scared thinking of what they would be saying behind my back. I guess I would no longer be getting that certificate for complete attendance if I ever hopefully finish the year. I want to be brave but I seem to lack the will.
So I’m going back on duty tonight. And I’m starting to feel butterflies in my stomach once more. I feel this way each time I’m about to go on duty. I don’t feel like moving. I want time to stand still and never go back. Really, if I want to be a nurse do I have to endure this each time I go on duty??? Sigh.
I just lost my wallet that contained all of the money I have to last until the next payout which is obviously still so long. I have dues to pay and I just need money. I can’t afford to let my parents spend for me. 😦 nor can their pockets. I have no other choice but to hope in the goodness of man, if he or she had any. 😦
I dread going on duty everyday. I am afraid of handling unstable patients. I know I should get a grip on myself after all, I’m a licensed nurse. I know it’s too late but I’m thinking I am not cut for this type of job. I want to quit but I am not supposed to. Maybe I really do not even want to. I’m just having a really hard time right now. I am still not used to the flow of things. And I’m uncertain if I ever will.
I just felt bad today, having a low self-esteem. I feel ineffective and stupid. I got reprimanded and was announced to the whole team as ineffective. Urgh. How come they never notice the good points huh?